77 things you won’t hear a self-respecting teacher say

“So he started a fight in the lesson. Who cares? He’s on course for 5 A*-C including English and Maths”

“If this senior leader just used a bit less plain English and a few more acronyms, we’d all understand what she was on about a bit better”

“The lesson I just taught required improvement”

“Kids, these SATS will change your lives”

“I can’t wait for OFSTED to come in, it should be a helpful, informative and professional experience that will really help me to become a better teacher”

“I tell you what, it just gets easier every year”

“What these kids really need is to be ritually humiliated in front of each other for not understanding my subject”

“Apparently she’s having a nervous breakdown, but more importantly, she’s below target”

“My real priority this year is to make sure I meet my performance management targets”

“I can’t teach this interesting lesson. It doesn’t fit within the leadership’s strategic plans”

“I’ve realised that, when you work it out per hour, this job pays really well”

“I love the late nights marking, but if it weren’t for the early starts and weekends, I’d have left this job by now”

“I can’t work out who to vote for – I’m spoilt for choice”

“Analysing every individual child’s exam results after the event is an excellent use of time”

“I’m feeling really relaxed. I’ve got a rowdy year 9 class after lunch”

“No, I don’t need training in how to break up a fight – what I really need is another session telling me something I already know”

“These INSET days are always so useful”

“God, I really wish the school would hire more consultants and fewer teachers”

“I have no natural motivation to do this job well. What I really need is a cash incentive”

"I accept failure. I am the enemy of promise" (all links open in new window)

“It’s not remotely tempting to tell these parents that the data and targets we give their kids are absolute nonsense”

“I just have no idea how intelligent a kid is until a spreadsheet tells me so”

“This abusive and threatening behaviour is all my fault”

“Isn’t it great to see another initiative stand the test of time?”

“A top-down restructuring would sort all this out”

“Isn’t it wonderful to have an Executive Headteacher?”

“I spend far too much of my time brushing up on my subject knowledge”

“It’s been such a boring, stable decade”

“These changes have been brought in at a sensible pace and with due consideration for how long it realistically takes to implement them”

“I just feel so listened to”

“The source of the problem here is that we are not testing them at a young enough age”

“Observations are a very realistic reflection of the day-to-day reality of this job”

“I just love that warm, fuzzy feeling of getting one over on a colleague”

"Satisfactory is no longer satisfactory"

“Hopefully a business can take over this place and really sort it out”

“I’ve really been lazy here, I’ve only planned this lesson for one learning style”

“Nobody knew how to teach until a few years ago”

“I’ll only do something if it’s turned in to a SMART target for me to achieve”

“Right, listen up please, learners…”

“I just love the way we define children by their performance in a narrow set of disciplines”

“Supply teachers have it so easy”

“My student teacher is working 12 hour days and still feels like they’re failing. Best that I reinforce that impression”

"I didn’t join this profession to make the best use of my individual skills. I joined it to be a member of the blob"

“Anything worth having in life can be measured”

“I just love the way everything is so well planned when we come back in September”

“The IT systems here are second to none”

“We really need to outsource a few more services”

“I love the sense of professional autonomy I get given in this line of work”

“I wish our Head was a bit more focused on his own CV and less interested in the day-to-day realities his staff face”

“Why would we waste time teaching kids about the dangers of the online world when we have targets to meet?”

“He had a point. I was restricting his rights”

“So there’s a bit of violence in the corridors. Big deal”

“Spending an hour in front of a class of kids is very similar to spending an hour in front of a computer”

“I can’t wait to check my emails at the end of the day and see that I’ve only got one or two manageable tasks to do before I can go home”

“I really felt that some outstanding teaching and learning took place in my learning environment today”

“Yes, I’m so sorry, I did cause all the highly complex social problems which are disadvantaging your son”

“We really need a more complicated hierarchy at this place”

“It would serve no public good to pay me for the extra responsibilities I’ve taken on”

“You’re above target, so I’m now going to pay more attention to the other kids. You wouldn’t want me missing out on my pay rise, would you?”

"I don’t know what stress is"

“Do you know what’s definitely not worth trying? Putting people who know what they’re talking about in charge”

“There’s no chance of you getting a C in this subject, so you’re no longer entitled to my attention”

“I tell you what would really keep me in this job – better career prospects”

“Glad to see they’ve sacked more admin staff. I mean, it’s not as if records need to be kept is it?”

“This job is great for my health”

“Seeing the stats makes it all worthwhile”

“What a shame that Michael Wilshaw’s got a knighthood already – can’t we give him another?”

“Isn’t it great when a politician comes to visit your school and everything just carries on as normal?”

“What we really need to sort this place out is another strategic document for managers to pontificate over”

“There’s far too much trust in this profession”

“I really feel under pressure to show more integrity”

“Excellent, another exodus of staff – they obviously weren’t up to it”

“I can completely understand how I have gone from being rated as outstanding to being rated as inadequate in the space of a few weeks. I’ve obviously become rubbish overnight”

“How selfish of this kid with complex needs to drag my stats down”

“If only I had to do more formal observations, it would really benefit the kids”

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